Home Blast from the Past A Blast from the Past…The Verizon Store Poop Story Re-Visited

A Blast from the Past…The Verizon Store Poop Story Re-Visited

July 24, 2015 8 comments

zu I was scrolling through the last year or so of this space and one thing seemed to be on repeat… A ‘life is crazy right now, and were just getting through it’ motif.

Ew. Such a bummer.

But I’m really honest here–I cant hide stuff. It has been kind of a gnarly year -or longer- so that is what my posts have showed.

As I read further though, I was cracking up out loud at all the funny old stories—I’ve totally gotten out of the habit of sharing the funny stuff, guys.

So, I have decided to bring back a blast from the past—-the blog that started it all, if I could be so bold.

The Verizon Store Poop Story, circa 2010 with a baby ZuZu.

Are you ready for it? Cause here it comes!

 

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October 2010

zu1

I think I am emotionally ready to share this story that has kept me from blogging for 3 weeks.

Aren’t Verizon stores nice?! Well, the one me and my small family of 3 went to a couple weeks ago was especially nice since it was located on Rodeo Drive around the corner from shops like LouisVuitton, Gucci and other fabulous la-de–da stores that just make me feel so uncomfortable.

It was time to finally make the switch from AT&T to Verizon because I was sick of paying our crazy phone bill every month, so, we were on our way to the store to pick out new phones, and Bronson was literally pouting/whimpering about me making him get rid of his Iphone.

This was where the problem started.

I was so preoccupied with trying to make my un happy husband pick out a stupid “non I phone” phone, that I kind of ignored all Zuri’s little nudges, pulls, and attempts to get my attention.

Here’s problem number 2:

We had been in the store for about 15 minutes so everyone and their dog (literally…there was a dog in the store) loved and commented on how cute Zuri was. By this time we had picked out phones and were at the counter trying to square away all the details.

This is when I noticed mud tracked all over.

Weird.

That was my only thought.

And then I looked closer………….

Ewwww! that dog pooped everywhere! And I do mean EVERYWHERE! I start saying out loud how disgusting it was, and that I have a child playing on the floors, so the owner should take it outside. I was outrageously disgusted.

And then………. I notice corn and black beans.

Dogs don’t eat mexican…?

Ummm….Uhhhhhh. Did we? Yup….We definitely had mexican chili earlier that day.

CRAP! I grab Zuri and secretly check her bum….OHH NO! How can this be?????!

She definitely pooped in her big girl underwears, and it definitely fell out her big baggy pants, and she has definitely been stomping around in it for several minutes without me noticing.

Problem #3

I look at Bronson…..Bronson looks at me…..and in silence we agree to pretend it wasn’t our child.

AH! THE HORROR!

PLEASE DONT JUDGE US! We dont know why we came to this silent decision together…maybe it was because we had just made a big scene about the dogs owner not being responsible…or maybe were just severely messed up. I don’t know? BLAH! I really don’t know!

But, from there, I ask if Bronson has everything under control at the counter, and let him know Im walking to McDonalds to “grab a snack” and then I walk out.

cut to:

We’re in the McDonald’s bathroom and I practically bathe zuzu in the sink.
I throw her little mermaid underwear away in the trash, and a homeless lady living in the McDonald’s bathroom chews me out-Thankfully, I couldn’t even understand her, and had too much else on my mind to care about anything she is yelling at me.
All I really remember about her is that Zuri kept calling her “ebil see witch ersellla” (Ursala the evil sea witch) and she was scared of her and didn’t want to go back to McDonalds….this is bad.
“And why?” you ask….You’ll find out in a minute.

We make our way back to the Verizon store and in my mind I’m 100000% sure the mess will be picked up by now….so, I am stunned to find white paper towels scattered everywhere when we walk back in.

We, and everyone else in the freaking store, are jumping and leaping over paper towel covered poop. Like every 2 feet in every direction is smeared, or balled, or logged poo!

My daughters smelly poop!

I practically run out of the store….there wasn’t a chance in hell I could stay in there with all her poopoo covered mounds all over the place, Ugh. I’m sweating!

And I think I was too stubborn to stop the “This poop isn’t my daughters” act by this point because it had been like 20 minutes….I couldn’t just all of a sudden start picking it up….I had already missed my window of responsible parenting opportunity!

I made my bed, then I had to lie it and go on with the charade that it was the horrible little dogs toddler sized poop. Ahhhhh! I have anxiety even remember this- It was the worst!

So, now were stuck outside. Zuri is scared of the Evil Sea Witch Ursala in the Mcdonalds bathroom, so we cant go to Mcdonalds-and everywhere else is closed.

There we sit… on the side of the road…. its night……its lightly drizzling…..its cold, yet I’m sweating with anxiety and embarrassment, and I honestly can’t believe Bronson is still in there…all alone…with the poop.

He finally comes out a whole freaking HOUR later and tells me this:

He’s paid and walking out the door when the manager taps him on the shoulder.

Their conversation:

manager: Sir, do you mind picking up after your baby?

Bronson: ohh, my wife checked. It wasnt her. It’s not her poop.

manager: Well, an associate of mine saw her defecate, then proceeded to trample the feces around the store. It’s hers.

Bronson: uhhhh, oh man. ok. sure… ya, Ill clean it.

The manager handed him Lysol spray and a scrubby brush, and turned without another word. Then, Bronson had to go to each paper towel covered poo-poo mound and clean it up out of the carpets one by one. From the window to the wall, until the sweat dripped off his…..head. There was poop.

Nooooooooooo! No! No way! Its too horrific to even imagine!

The thought of this makes me close my eyes and scream like I’m about to go down a roller coaster. It’s such deep pitted embarrassment that we didn’t even talk about it for at least 24 hours after the incident happened. It took days to even start to laugh it off, and after a month we’re starting to think its a bit hilarious. But not really.

I did learn some lessons from this experience, though, and the most valuable one is to always use princess pull-ups when leaving the house. No matter what.

zu2

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8 comments

Cassie Leconte July 24, 2015 at 6:33 pm

HAHAHAHAHA this is killing me.
AINT MY DAUGHTERS TURDS MAN, GIVE ME MY
PHONE NOW.
So amazing. Zuri… Love that kid

Reply
Jae walker July 24, 2015 at 7:35 pm

Literally dying reading this !! I couldn’t imagine. For real yelling out loud reading through it NOOOO NO NO NO ! Glad you made it out alive !

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Weslie Christensen July 24, 2015 at 8:23 pm

i know! its been over 5 years and i still have to close my eyes! its too much

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Emily McDonough July 24, 2015 at 8:36 pm

Last week I was reminded of this story, so I tracked it down and read the whole thing to my husband. It’s so perfectly horrendous and adorable all at once! So funny!!

Reply
Katie G August 14, 2015 at 11:16 am

Hi, I just came over from the Skinny Confidential, I have a little boy Reece he is 4 and so any other mummy blogs get me:) oh this made me laugh and also cringe at the same time:) xxxHugs from Ireland xx

Reply
Weslie Christensen August 15, 2015 at 7:10 pm

same! I still cringe every time I read it!

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Bry Petey March 23, 2016 at 7:09 pm

Ohhhhh frick – the worst feeling! Same thing happened to me but a clothing store and my little girl peeing. I snatched her up and left because there wasn’t a dog around to blame it on! 😉 You’re not alone. Princess pullups ftw.

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Vulnerability Post day 7 | Double You Dot May 25, 2017 at 10:20 pm

[…] with a million close friends surrounding me I don’t think would have never written the Zuri Verizon store Poop story, or the NYC Boobs story , or My Rule of 3’s…I would have just told my surplus of […]

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