I was scrolling through the last year or so of this space and one thing seemed to be on repeatâ€¦ A â€˜life is crazy right now, and were just getting through itâ€™ motif.
Ew. Such a bummer.
But Iâ€™m really honest hereâ€“I cant hide stuff. It has been kind of a gnarly year -or longer- so that is what my posts have showed.
As I read further though, I was cracking up out loud at all the funny old storiesâ€”Iâ€™ve totally gotten out of the habit of sharing the funny stuff, guys.
So, I have decided to bring back a blast from the pastâ€”-the blog that started it all, if I could be so bold.
The Verizon Store Poop Story, circa 2010 with a baby ZuZu.
Are you ready for it? Cause here it comes!
I think I am emotionally ready to share this story that has kept me from blogging for 3 weeks.
Arenâ€™t Verizon stores nice?! Well, the one me and my small family of 3 went to a couple weeks ago was especially nice since it was located on Rodeo Drive around the corner from shops like LouisVuitton, Gucci and other fabulous la-deâ€“da stores that just make me feel so uncomfortable.
It was time to finally make the switch from AT&T to Verizon because I was sick of paying our crazy phone bill every month, so, we were on our way to the store to pick out new phones, and Bronson was literally pouting/whimpering about me making him get rid of his Iphone.
This was where the problem started.
I was so preoccupied with trying to make my un happy husband pick out a stupid â€œnon I phoneâ€ phone, that I kind of ignored all Zuriâ€™s little nudges, pulls, and attempts to get my attention.
Hereâ€™s problem number 2:
We had been in the store for about 15 minutes so everyone and their dog (literallyâ€¦there was a dog in the store) loved and commented on how cute Zuri was. By this time we had picked out phones and were at the counter trying to square away all the details.
This is when I noticed mud tracked all over.
That was my only thought.
And then I looked closerâ€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦.
Ewwww! that dog pooped everywhere! And I do mean EVERYWHERE! I start saying out loud how disgusting it was, and that I have a child playing on the floors, so the owner should take it outside. I was outrageously disgusted.
And thenâ€¦â€¦â€¦. I notice corn and black beans.
Dogs donâ€™t eat mexicanâ€¦?
Ummmâ€¦.Uhhhhhh. Did we? Yupâ€¦.We definitely had mexican chili earlier that day.
CRAP! I grab Zuri and secretly check her bumâ€¦.OHH NO! How can this be?????!
She definitely pooped in her big girl underwears, and it definitely fell out her big baggy pants, and she has definitely been stomping around in it for several minutes without me noticing.
I look at Bronsonâ€¦..Bronson looks at meâ€¦..and in silence we agree to pretend it wasnâ€™t our child.
AH! THE HORROR!
PLEASE DONT JUDGE US! We dont know why we came to this silent decision togetherâ€¦maybe it was because we had just made a big scene about the dogs owner not being responsibleâ€¦or maybe were just severely messed up. I donâ€™t know? BLAH! I really donâ€™t know!
But, from there, I ask if Bronson has everything under control at the counter, and let him know Im walking to McDonalds to â€œgrab a snackâ€ and then I walk out.
Weâ€™re in the McDonaldâ€™s bathroom and I practically bathe zuzu in the sink.
I throw her little mermaid underwear away in the trash, and a homeless lady living in the McDonaldâ€™s bathroom chews me out-Thankfully, I couldnâ€™t even understand her, and had too much else on my mind to care about anything she is yelling at me.
All I really remember about her is that Zuri kept calling her â€œebil see witch erselllaâ€ (Ursala the evil sea witch) and she was scared of her and didnâ€™t want to go back to McDonaldsâ€¦.this is bad.
â€œAnd why?â€ you askâ€¦.Youâ€™ll find out in a minute.
We make our way back to the Verizon store and in my mind Iâ€™m 100000% sure the mess will be picked up by nowâ€¦.so, I am stunned to find white paper towels scattered everywhere when we walk back in.
We, and everyone else in the freaking store, are jumping and leaping over paper towel covered poop. Like every 2 feet in every direction is smeared, or balled, or logged poo!
My daughters smelly poop!
I practically run out of the storeâ€¦.there wasnâ€™t a chance in hell I could stay in there with all her poopoo covered mounds all over the place, Ugh. Iâ€™m sweating!
And I think I was too stubborn to stop the â€œThis poop isnâ€™t my daughtersâ€ act by this point because it had been like 20 minutesâ€¦.I couldnâ€™t just all of a sudden start picking it upâ€¦.I had already missed my window of responsible parenting opportunity!
I made my bed, then I had to lie it and go on with the charade that it was the horrible little dogs toddler sized poop. Ahhhhh! I have anxiety even remember this- It was the worst!
So, now were stuck outside. Zuri is scared of the Evil Sea Witch Ursala in the Mcdonalds bathroom, so we cant go to Mcdonalds-and everywhere else is closed.
There we sitâ€¦ on the side of the roadâ€¦. its nightâ€¦â€¦its lightly drizzlingâ€¦..its cold, yet Iâ€™m sweating with anxiety and embarrassment, and I honestly canâ€™t believe Bronson is still in thereâ€¦all aloneâ€¦with the poop.
He finally comes out a whole freaking HOUR later and tells me this:
Heâ€™s paid and walking out the door when the manager taps him on the shoulder.
manager: Sir, do you mind picking up after your baby?
Bronson: ohh, my wife checked. It wasnt her. Itâ€™s not her poop.
manager: Well, an associate of mine saw her defecate, then proceeded to trample the feces around the store. Itâ€™s hers.
Bronson: uhhhh, oh man. ok. sureâ€¦ ya, Ill clean it.
The manager handed him Lysol spray and a scrubby brush, and turned without another word. Then, Bronson had to go to each paper towel covered poo-poo mound and clean it up out of the carpets one by one. From the window to the wall, until the sweat dripped off hisâ€¦..head. There was poop.
Nooooooooooo! No! No way! Its too horrific to even imagine!
The thought of this makes me close my eyes and scream like Iâ€™m about to go down a roller coaster. Itâ€™s such deep pitted embarrassment that we didnâ€™t even talk about it for at least 24 hours after the incident happened. It took days to even start to laugh it off, and after a month weâ€™re starting to think its a bit hilarious. But not really.
I did learn some lessons from this experience, though, and the most valuable one is to always use princess pull-ups when leaving the house. No matter what.